Going home

On the return trip I was feeling good, the trip had been a good combination of family and friends and alone time.  After working in Canberra I stayed the night at Hillview Farmstay not long past Gundagai.  No river, no black lab this time but a good sized swimming pool.    Lots of llamas and sheep and self contained cabins, the dog friendly part of the accommodation. I was in the Lodge, which had rooms with balconies off a communal kitchen and lounge area and was not designated as dog friendly.  The compromise to allow Jac inside was to provide a dog portacot.  I was a bit sceptical, but once I lifted her into the portacot she curled up quite happily and slept all night.   There were families with young kids who made a fuss of Jac which she is always partial to, and lots of relaxed conversation.  One of the families suggested that Avenel was a good place to stop in on the drive home.    

The challenge on the drive home was that I did not want to go home, for the first time in 37 years, I did not want to walk back in the door at Oswin St.  All sorts of reasons I guess, reminds me of the absence of the bloke but the house now does not feel like mine, it does not feel like home.

I took 8 hours to drive just over 400 ks.  Turned off the highway to Yackandandah, stopped at Beechworth for a swim, stopped for lunch at a place we had passed many times but never stopped at, The Plough Inn near Beechworth.  Green courtyard, good food.  Conversations about rescue dogs. Took another detour via Taminick  to a winery - Morrisons. I was actually looking for Taminick cellars where Erwin and I often stopped but couldn't find it.  This was up in the hills via a windy bush track and a good view over the mountains, in winter they can see the snow on Mt Bogong.   Which, given the number of times - would have to be close to 100, that me and the bloke did the trip up to Falls Creek, made me a bit nostalgic.  This time it was seeing the mountains from a different perspective.  It reminded me of the sense of excitement and anticipation when we were on the road to Mt Beauty and got the first glimpse of the snow on Bogong during winter.   I did turn off at Avenel, where I discovered the most beautiful old stone bridge and a great walk for the dog through flood plains with big old river gums, that was just new, no old.  

Stone bridge at Avenue

Since he died, I have been a bit disappointed in the bloke,  and upset at the behaviour of some of the people around him.  I have had moments of being angry with him and thinking he was a bit of a selfish bastard. The travelling has allowed me to remember the good times we had together over the years. Our shared love of views, bush and mountains.  Of the fun we had together.  Of the time we went camping in the Chiltern Forest and because we were quite alone, after a day of wine tasting, did a romp through the forest completely naked.  It was good to remember our times in the mountains, on our own and with Bec and Em and our friends, with walks in the High Plains, me swimming in the freezing cold Rocky Valley Dam, our failed attempt at fishing with the kids where we ended up throwing the worms into the dam because none of us could bring ourselves to put them on the hook and endless games of 500 which somehow Bec and Erwin always won.  And of course the skiing/snowboarding.  The trips we did in the summer holidays, up the Hume and the Newell Highways to Nmbngee in the bloke's old Toyota, no air conditioning. We stopped at country swimming pools to cool down.  We'd visit Dina, Bob and the kids in the hippy commune, swimming in the creek, going on bush walks eating the occasional hash cookie.   Then the contrast on the way home of stopping in Abe and Annettes high rise apartment at the Gold Coast.  

It was good to remember that there were many ways in which we complemented each other, supported each other and that our relationship was mostly good for both of us.  Travelling with the dog gives some companionship but also gives me the space to feel sad, to feel the loss, to work through the anger, and to recognise and explore new opportunities that are there for me. It gives the space to work out how to incorporate the life we had together  and the memories of that into a new way of living.  It's helped me realise that a house can be just that, a building, nothing more.   The memories and the connections are not in a house but in me and all the other people who knew him and loved and occasionally did not love him.  

Saying goodbye to the old and trying out the new

This trip is about doing things a little differently.  One of my cousins said doing things differently to how they have done before, is a sign of respect to those we have lost.  So I have respected the bloke by sharing Christmas with Em in Sydney instead of under the ti trees at Rye. One of our New Year traditions for many years was to watch the sunset at Mt Mckay in Falls Creek.  The different shades of blue and grey over the never-ending mountain ranges was magical and was a perfect way to see out the year.  I didn't go back to Falls Creek.  However I felt an urge to revisit the sunset over the mountains, so went to Jindabyne in the Snowy Mountains area.  Different, we had passed through years ago but never stopped there.  So a sense of looking back to a time we shared and a tradition we both loved but in a place newly discovered.

Two stand outs from the Sydney to Jindabyne trip was the Elling Forest winery and Grandmas Cafe.  The winery is a perfect dog stop, abut an hour out of Sydney, has a little pond with large ducks, lots of space to wander around, a cafe and wine tasting - what else could a woman and her dog ask for?  The bloke offering the tasting had a rescue dog himself and we had a good chat about dogs and breeds as well as tasting some good whites - that were bio dynamic which must be good for you.  Grandma's cafe on the road into Canberra was notable for very different reasons.  Looked lovely, good outside area looking over the Olive Groves, but as we were walking up to the tables a gun went off, which completely freaked Jac out - she gets skittish when men are playing soccer in the park with the whistles and yelling.  She settled down enough for me to go in and order but then the gun went off again and again she freaked out - the waitress explained it was an air gun and was set to go off intermittently.  I drank the coffee quickly and i have never seen Jac so keen to get into the car.  The gun went off again as we were leaving and she jumped over into he front seat and then got down into the gap between the front seat and the engine.  Took her a while to stop trembling and move back to her seat in the back.

The Air BnB in East Jindabyne was advertised as  Motel Style Accommodation.  Another case of not making judgements too soon, walked into the room and was struck by it's 'compactness' just enough room for a bed, a chair and a small fridge, with a very compact bathroom, cosy definitely.  But large windows and another door opening out on to a balcony where I could take a deep breath and look out over Lake Jindabyne. 

Yep, that's the view from the balcony

Then a common area with a touch I loved - a stove top espresso maker, none of those incredibly environmentally unfriendly capsules.  Would be very cosy in winter if going up for the snow.  Explored East Jindabyne following a sign saying public lake access, leading to a drivable track which followed the lake around to a sandy beach, with people and dogs. Jac had her up to the tummy paddle and waited patiently at the shoreline while I swam out.  

Next day was New Years Eve. Went to the Tourist Information place to ask about off leash bush type walks.  The very helpful (not) person, first told me about an on leash area, but when I said I wanted off leash, told me about two walks; one from Claypits and one from Cobbin Cres but said firstly that there'd be lots of boats and people at Claypits, then  wouldn't recommend the Cobbin Cres walk to the damn wall because of the number of cyclists, and watch out for snakes.  First went to Claypits, walked about 2 ks, although you can drive a bit further and come out at the sailing club where I finished up.  It was quiet and peaceful. Jac paddled, I swam in beautiful clear water accessed from another sandy beach area, then sat on the rocks in the sun.  The peace was broken when a couple of cars pulled up and out came: two dogs, a never ending supply of rubber sailing things, a marquee, a dozen folding chairs, several ESKYs and a mob of people.  I left when they turned on the motor to blow up all the rubber things and walked back to Claypits.  

One of the challenges with shopping when you travel wiht a dog is what to do with the dog.  I get a little nervous tying her up outside a supermarket because as you might have picked up she reacts badly to different noises.  It was early enough before the heat kicked in, so I parked in the shade put the windows half down and tackled the supermarket.  She didn't seem too worried and I had the security of knowing she could not get out of the car.   Tried the Cobbin Cres walk, follows the lake edge through variety of vegetation, open areas and bush.  Yes there were cyclists, over the 3 ks we came across at least 4.  However, unlike in the city where there is not a lot of tolerance on shared paths, here there was quite an acceptance that it was a shared path and no one complained, they thanked me if I heard them and got Jac off the path and one who had to dodge around her actually said - 'well the dog's got as much right to be here as I have'.  It had warmed up by then, Jac doesn't like the heat and kept making for shady spots where she would wait for me to catch up.  The walk is a return along the same track and ending up back at the beach area and this time Jac actually swam so she must have felt a bit hot.  The good thing about that was that it actually cleaned her, unlike being in the beach, so did throw her in for another paddle to help with that process and then we sat on the rocks in the sun again for a while.  

New Years Eve, a salad on the balcony, a few chats with the other stayers at the Motel Style Accommodation, including lovely young woman who spent her New Years Eve doing the 18k walk up Mt Kozsiusko.  And I felt good about walking 6ks on a mostly flat track!   Anyway found a place just above the accommodation which was a perfect sunset watching spot and went up there with Jac, a candle and a piccolo of Prosecco. A passing dog walker explained that the strange stone circle was the left over of a house that had been burnt out.  Jac thought I was a little crazy and just sat quietly by the car while I lit the candle and drank the Prosecco, sang a few songs, off key, of course and watched the sun set over the mountains.  And that was the end of our 2017.  I was glad I was on my own as it allowed me to give in to being a little maudlin and talked to the bloke, asking him why he did what he did. I was comforted by running texts from Em about their New Years with Bec and the boys.  It felt right, a bit sad, a bit marking the change in years, the loss of the bloke, the change in my life and the journey in front of me.  One of the things i had done in Sydney was to catch up with one of Erwin's sons and his wife and that seemed so right, being able to reminisce, share our memories and hear what was happening with them, gave me a sense of holding on to the connections we had while still looking to a different way of living.  

Trip to Canberra included another encounter with an animal - an echidna this time which Jac was quite wary of.  

An Air BnB in Canberra, Luxury Garden Studio, which it was.  In Red Hill, lots of green, large house, large blocks.  Beautifully self contained and thoughtful touches everywhere, from the crockery, to the furnishings, the bathroom with walk in shower and the private deck with table and chairs.  Jac was at home straight away and not even keen to walk in the park across the road.  Wouldn't recommend though if dog was a wanderer, Jac's not - she likes to stay close by, the yard was not secured, so okay for us but not for all.  Good base to go to work from, Jac is so good coming to work with me, sits quietly under the desk except when there is someone who wants to pat her.  Then the trip home.