Going home

On the return trip I was feeling good, the trip had been a good combination of family and friends and alone time.  After working in Canberra I stayed the night at Hillview Farmstay not long past Gundagai.  No river, no black lab this time but a good sized swimming pool.    Lots of llamas and sheep and self contained cabins, the dog friendly part of the accommodation. I was in the Lodge, which had rooms with balconies off a communal kitchen and lounge area and was not designated as dog friendly.  The compromise to allow Jac inside was to provide a dog portacot.  I was a bit sceptical, but once I lifted her into the portacot she curled up quite happily and slept all night.   There were families with young kids who made a fuss of Jac which she is always partial to, and lots of relaxed conversation.  One of the families suggested that Avenel was a good place to stop in on the drive home.    

The challenge on the drive home was that I did not want to go home, for the first time in 37 years, I did not want to walk back in the door at Oswin St.  All sorts of reasons I guess, reminds me of the absence of the bloke but the house now does not feel like mine, it does not feel like home.

I took 8 hours to drive just over 400 ks.  Turned off the highway to Yackandandah, stopped at Beechworth for a swim, stopped for lunch at a place we had passed many times but never stopped at, The Plough Inn near Beechworth.  Green courtyard, good food.  Conversations about rescue dogs. Took another detour via Taminick  to a winery - Morrisons. I was actually looking for Taminick cellars where Erwin and I often stopped but couldn't find it.  This was up in the hills via a windy bush track and a good view over the mountains, in winter they can see the snow on Mt Bogong.   Which, given the number of times - would have to be close to 100, that me and the bloke did the trip up to Falls Creek, made me a bit nostalgic.  This time it was seeing the mountains from a different perspective.  It reminded me of the sense of excitement and anticipation when we were on the road to Mt Beauty and got the first glimpse of the snow on Bogong during winter.   I did turn off at Avenel, where I discovered the most beautiful old stone bridge and a great walk for the dog through flood plains with big old river gums, that was just new, no old.  

Stone bridge at Avenue

Since he died, I have been a bit disappointed in the bloke,  and upset at the behaviour of some of the people around him.  I have had moments of being angry with him and thinking he was a bit of a selfish bastard. The travelling has allowed me to remember the good times we had together over the years. Our shared love of views, bush and mountains.  Of the fun we had together.  Of the time we went camping in the Chiltern Forest and because we were quite alone, after a day of wine tasting, did a romp through the forest completely naked.  It was good to remember our times in the mountains, on our own and with Bec and Em and our friends, with walks in the High Plains, me swimming in the freezing cold Rocky Valley Dam, our failed attempt at fishing with the kids where we ended up throwing the worms into the dam because none of us could bring ourselves to put them on the hook and endless games of 500 which somehow Bec and Erwin always won.  And of course the skiing/snowboarding.  The trips we did in the summer holidays, up the Hume and the Newell Highways to Nmbngee in the bloke's old Toyota, no air conditioning. We stopped at country swimming pools to cool down.  We'd visit Dina, Bob and the kids in the hippy commune, swimming in the creek, going on bush walks eating the occasional hash cookie.   Then the contrast on the way home of stopping in Abe and Annettes high rise apartment at the Gold Coast.  

It was good to remember that there were many ways in which we complemented each other, supported each other and that our relationship was mostly good for both of us.  Travelling with the dog gives some companionship but also gives me the space to feel sad, to feel the loss, to work through the anger, and to recognise and explore new opportunities that are there for me. It gives the space to work out how to incorporate the life we had together  and the memories of that into a new way of living.  It's helped me realise that a house can be just that, a building, nothing more.   The memories and the connections are not in a house but in me and all the other people who knew him and loved and occasionally did not love him.